African-American Naruto
by newspaperchannel
Summary: What if Naruto was not Asian, but instead, he was an African-American? What would be the difference in the world of shinobi? As a Hokage and ruled of the free world, it'd be a quite drastic distinction, believe it or not. Just remember; the same way you can't keep an Asian away from his ramen, you can never expect to separate a Black man from his watermelon.


Hello, everybody. Newspaperchannel here! I just want to tell you that this story is nothing more than satire. Being half African myself, I'd be an idiot to insult my roots for the sake of promoting hatred. This isn't meant to be taken seriously in any way. Please enjoy, and if at any point you dislike the story for any reason, feel free to stop reading. Thank you and have a good one!

 **African-American Naruto**

"Yo, yo, yo. Hinata, bring me the dayum cake."

"But-"

"Just shut the hell up and do what I tell you, ya Chinese woman!"

"I am Japa-"

"Do I really need to beat the holy shit out of you again?"

Naruto, the Hokage of the Leaf Village, was a womanizer. Unfortunately, not in a good sense; he forced women to sleep with him. If they refused, he swore to use force and the power of the Kyuubi – a creature that, just like its wielder, had black energy, and with it, a dark skin color.

"No. Please don't do it. I am coming. I am so sorr-"

The black young lad punched his wife in the face.

"No excuses, yo. I did warn you, bitch."

In order to avoid making the situation worse for herself, she just picked herself up and walked straight to the kitchen. She came back and gave him a slice of chocolate cake.

The man was not pleased. "I want the whole thing, ya imbecilic macaroni," he belligerently yelled.

In the same fashion as before, she did not respond. This, however, did not please him. Naruto decided to create a Black Rasengan.

"Oh, you answer to me, yo," he declared. "Want me to stick this up your ass?"

"No sir. I answer to you. I am sorry." She said with her eyes clouded with tears.

She brought the cake to him, who devoured it in less than five seconds.

He pushed Hinata aside once he finished his cake and decided to go out. Like usual, he climbed the highest tower he could find.

"Good motherfucking day, Kono-hoe!" He yelled as high as the sky could echo.

In a surprising manner, everyone walked out of their house, and with expressions full of fear, responded.

"Good morning, Lord Hokage!"

He started preparing a giant Black Rasengan with one hand.

"What's that? I could not hear you, pussy ass bitches!"

"GOOD MORNING, LORD HOKAGE!" They all screamed, with some people almost fainting as to how deep into their lungs they had to scream.

And this was the Hidden Hoes Village. Could it be considered a dictatorship? No. Not in a million years. Why? Because not one dictatorship in the world of ninja had prevailed. Nonetheless, Naruto's world had existed for dozens of years, and it didn't seem like there was a way to take him out of power, simply because he was THE power – or rather, the motherfucking power.

Naruto decided to go to the temple of ninja. Here, he organized five hundred Jounin ninja and over five thousand Chunin. While he was a harsh leader, one fact could not be denied; in the entire history of Shinobi, no other man had created even half as many elite ninjas as he had. Kakashi, who ruled before him, only had fifty Jounin under his command. Tsunade only had twenty. The previous Hokages? Forget it. It didn't matter whom you mentioned – nothing could top the Black Army of Chicken. They weren't literally chickens, of course, but the dark leader loved the animal due to its taste.

The real question was… why would he have prepared such a powerful army? The answer is simple. To eliminate the redneck threat.

"Yo, motherfucking squad. Today we're raiding every single fucking village. And guess what – all the powerful ninja are in the Cloud Redneck Village. We need to get there and kill everyone. They have an army of 200 Jounin. Dawgs, it is rumored that they have the Sage of Six Races on their side. If that's true, we could be fucked. But we need to try."

And the hours passed by. After countless hours of training his militia one last time, the journey began. Hours passed by, and unsurprisingly enough, men were afraid of going to war with the Cloud Redneck Village – especially because of the myth that they had the Sage of Six Races assisting them.

Fifty soldiers stopped.

"We can't keep going. This is a bad idea, sir. We might very well die today."

"Oh nigga. Bitch please… bitch. Say that again and I kill you. Walk back and I skin you. Reply and I pull you from the inside out. Your choice, hoe."

Rather than arguing with their leader, they decided to treacherously attack him.

"Fire Style: Fire Ball Jutsu!" The formerly mentioned ninjas shot at the same time. This failed, as Naruto prepared a Giant Black Rasengan, which not only terminated their attack, but also evaporated every single one of them.

"Any more questions? We're going whether y'all like it or not, pussies."

They kept moving. Hours passed by, and they finally reached the front gate. Naruto wasted no time – he ordered his men to shoot the gate open. Once it was gone, they realized that over two hundred Jounin – just as the dark leader previously predicted – were waiting in line to fight. Thankfully, though, the god of all races was not there. That was just a glimpse of paranoia coming from Naruto's mind. Without much difficulty, Naruto used a Rasengan more than half of the enemy's army. The rest were wiped out by his armada.

Still, expected the unexpected. A giant ball of energy came from the skies and killed everybody in Naruto's army.

"What the fuck is this? Who are you?" He yelled in complete fear.

"I am the God of Rednecks."

"What? You mean the Sage of Six Races, dawg."

"No… I killed that lad. Listen, all y'all, you need to leave before I absolutely blow you away."

"Are you high? You killed all my men, you damn cheesecake." He responded with a hostile tone.

"They're all alive, actually. I didn't kill anyone. That's not my style. But you know what? Fuck it. I am wasting my time with you. I will let your army live – they're unconscious right now, but unlike them, you will not be. I will take step on you like a cockroach."

"Do I need to say this again? Oh my lord. Bitch please. Come at me."

Naruto prepared the most powerful Rasenshuriken of black energies of all time – one that not even he knew could be created by his own power. Fortunately, it cut the God of Rednecks in half.

He laughed. "You know I can regenerate, don't you?"

"Go ahead then."

He tried to follow the black man's advice, but white folk clearly cannot do that… but in this case, it was not because he did not want to, but it was simply impossible for him to do so.

"I used a sealing jutsu on your ass. You will never come back together. You are fucked, yo."

"What?" He paused with anger. "You did what, you damn chocolate bar?"

"Okay, that's enough racism for today. You rednecks never cease to amaze me."

He created two more Rasenshurikens and quite literally put them inside the redneck's mouth and anus. This eliminated him without any further ado.

"Now I wonder… are my pussy ass niggas really alive, or was it just a lie?"

He waited for hours, but nothing occurred.

"Fuck this shit."

He created a giant Rasenshuriken and murdered everyone.

"Now I will just go eat my chicken. And I will go back to my bitch Hinahoe and repopulate the earth."

And like an honorable African, he kept his word.

For the first time in history, a mixture of Asians and Blacks were created; they were called Blasians.

Was it ever in question whether Naruto would complete his objective? Of course not. He always dreamed with cultivating watermelon all over the world. He would not be able to undertake this if land – even if it was just a square-foot – was being utilized. Now, it all belong to him and his family. He could cultivate as much as he wanted and eat. In other words, this goal made him unstoppable.

Moral of the story: Never try to separate an African from his watermelon… especially if he's a ninja.

THE END


End file.
